Dowry
Three major types of dowry practices exist in the Muslim
world.
1. The groom’s family demands money or hefty gifts from the
bride’s family,
2. The bride’s family demands money from the groom or his
family.
3. The groom offers a mutually agreed upon gift to the bride
at the time of the wedding. This is known as mehr .
The first type is widely prevalent in India-Pakistan-Bangladesh
subcontinent. Parents who want to ward off their daughters must meet the demands of the groom’s family; otherwise, the chances of solemnizing the marriage might be
jeopardized. Sometimes, the girl’s family voluntarily offers huge gifts and
abundant money to a well-qualified groom in order to knot the matrimonial ties for
a better future for their daughters.
Obviously, in either case, the groom is being paid to accept
the bride as his wife. It is a kind of business deal where the groom is making
promises to provide the girl home and a safe haven if he or his family is
given adequate monetary rewards.
The second type is most common in Middle Eastern countries
and Africa, where the groom has to come up with
specific money or other resources to be offered to the bride’s family in order to finalize
the marriage. In this transaction, the roles are reversed. Instead of the bride’s
family, it is the groom who pays to marry the girl. This is also a kind of
business deal where the skills of girls, to put it crudely, often determine her
price.
The third type is also the most abused practice where the groom gives either a token present to the bride claiming it to be on the
pattern of gift offered to Bibi Fatima, the daughter of the Prophet Muhammad when the
fourth Caliph Ali married her or a present in cash and kind that is rarely paid
to the bride. Often, she is expected to forego it as quickly as she can.
There are exceptions, but a great majority of people
belonging to all spheres of life follow either of the above-mentioned practices.
The irony is that most people condemn these practices, yet
they never stop them. Girls are advised not to marry the person, who demands
dowry, and boys are asked not to seek dowry, but a few are willing to change
this age-old custom of dowry. Even when such marriages take place, the girl is
always told that she did not bring any or enough dowry with her.
Why is this happening? What are the practical ways to stop
it?
It is happening in the Muslim communities because of the unjust
status that is accorded to women. No matter what we say from the pulpit and in
our sermons, the fact is that women are not considered equal. They are often considered
a stigma, a source of shame and most of the time strangers in their own homes
because they have to leave their home one day. The sooner they are married off,
the more relieved the family feels. How many a time you would hear the expression
at the time of the wedding: “Alhamdulillah, a great burden is over.”
If their marriage is delayed, they are often considered a
bad omen for the family. Everyone in the family circles views them as a burden
that has to be thrown off no matter what the cost is. They are viewed as such because
of their financial dependence on their families.
It makes no difference whether they devote their entire life
serving their parents, husband, husband’s family, and their children; they are
viewed dependents with a little financial contribution to the family.
This culture of dowry would continue to exist unless women
become financially independent and unless our families change their perspectives
towards their daughters.
Our daughters are always our daughters no matter who they
marry. They are not a burden. They are not a stigma or shame. Even if they
commit mistakes, they would remain our daughters and we would not abandon them
for their wrongs.
They are the pillars of our family. We do not severe our
relations with them once they wed off. Their welfare and well being is as much
our concern as it is the concern of their husbands. They are part of us and
they can never be separated from us. It makes no difference whether they are
married at a younger or older age or not married at all. They should never be
viewed as a burden on the family.
Yes, every woman desires to have a home of her own where she
can actualize all her dreams, where she can create a space of respect and
dignity for her and her children, where she can prove to herself that she is a
contributor to the human growth and progress, and where she feels autonomous
and independent. Often to fulfill this dream, she goes miles. She
compromises. She accepts abuse, humiliation and the sufferings at the hands of
her husband or husband’s family etc.
From the perspective of dignified existence, she should not
suffer all these pains. Every woman has an independent personality that must
never be compromised even if it means breaking off relations with her husband.
But she is forced to compromise because she knows that her parents view her as
a burden and her siblings would not accept her back as a divorcee.
Her dignity and independence can be preserved only when she
is financially independent. Once she can sustain herself financially and make
contributions in terms of money, she would be viewed as an asset. Those who
view her as a burden would be forced to change their view towards her and those
who demand dowry for her hand would think twice before thinking about it.
This is the only practical way. Sermons have not worked. The
implementation of legal safeguards for women also depends on the will of a
largely male-dominated society. One of the biggest obstacles in the financial
independence for women comes from the religious clergy that does not want a woman
to be educated in sciences other than the one they specify for women such as
sewing, cooking or home sciences. They are so opposed to women’s advancement
that in some societies their demand to drive automobiles is viewed as a threat
to the oneness of God.
Even if girls get educated despite the opposition of the clergy,
they are not allowed to work along with men as in their views this would
increase immodesty in society.
Does the Quran really consider marriage an institution to
serve men only? Does the Quran promote dowry? Does the Quran define mehr as a
price for girls? Does the Quran view daughters as a burden? Does the Quran
prohibit women from working or running their own businesses? Everyone would say
no to these questions. Yet few would demonstrate that they are
willing to accept the Quranic perspectives.
The Quran does not view marriage as a business transaction.
It defines marriage a contractual relationship between two equals to create peace on the
basis of love, compassion, and mercy. It does not say that it is only the mother
who is responsible for the upbringing of children. On the contrary, it places the
responsibility upon both parents to ensure that household responsibilities are
shared. The Quran views mehr as a gift to the bride as a goodwill gesture.
The Quran does not view daughters as a burden. It views them
as strong pillars of the family. The prophet is reported to have said that
anyone who raises daughters well with full responsibility is guaranteed
paradise. If the paradise lies under the feet of the mother, it also is secured
through raising daughters. Their presence is a source of mercy to families.
The Quran does not prohibit women from working or running
their own businesses. Sura Ahzab defines the principle of gender equality in explaining
the roles of men and women. The involvement of women in public life during the
time of the Prophet is a testimony of the Quranic principles.
In fact, for reasons best known to a male chauvinist clergy, the divine message about women has been twisted to serve the male
interests. Dowry is a manifestation of that corruption of divine guidance.
So, the menace of dowry can be tackled effectively when we
bring about a change in our attitude towards women and our daughters, when we
do not create obstacles in their way of progress and when we give them the same freedom we seek for ourselves and when we ensure that they get the best
possible education in all spheres of life.
When they will be seen as equal and dignified, no one would
dare demand dowry for marrying them, no one would offer money to their parents to
marry them and no one would play with the practice of gift at the time of the wedding.
Unless and until that happens our daughters would continue
to suffer from the daily humiliation at the hands of a society that gives
priority to customs than to reason or to the divine guidance. They would be
treated like a commodity, no different than the way they were treated in
the pre-Islamic world. It is a sad situation, but it is the reality that we cannot
escape.
However, there is one more solution to fight off the dowry menace.
The clergy should refuse to solemnize the marriages where the groom’s family is
known to have asked dowry. But you need a different type of clergy to take such
a bold stand and in our contemporary religious culture; this is not going to
happen easily.
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